The Great Grocery Expense Reduction Plan
Today’s lesson is on how to save even more money on feeding one’s self. One could purchase generic or off brands, substitute similar items in the menu, or cook at home. But today we’re going to talk about you EATING TOO MUCH, YOU FAT ASS!
Imagine that. The more you eat, the more money it costs you. You argue that buying in bulk will save you money per unit. But having more food available to you will only increase the serving size, so any “savings” will be lost. All this does is stretch out your stomach so that even more food will be required to sate the beast.
“But what am I to do?”, you ask pathetically. Here are three strategies: take longer to eat, chew gum, and nibble.
Take longer to eat. Any world record-holding hotdog eating champion can tell you that the faster you gobble, the less time your brain gets the stop sign from your gut. Let your gut process the food a bit to at least give it a fighting chance of letting you know when you’re done. A coworker popped a chocolate from my candy dish into her mouth (no euphemism). When I said that they were oddly mint flavored, she said, “Oh, I didn’t even notice. I just wanted some chocolate.” What in Thor’s boots? Why the hell are you eating candy if you don’t even taste it???
Chew gum. Diet study after diet study nags fat women that they eat too much for psychological reasons. You know that feeling of fullness or hunger your stomach sends you? Can you discriminate between the two? The question I like to ask is if I’m hungry or my mouth just needs something to do. Before reaching for the standard oral sex joke, try some gum if the answer is the latter. Or, if you really don’t like gum, go ahead and ask your roommate Bill if he wants a blowjob.
Nibble. The whole point of chewing your food is to increase the surface area to aid in digestion. Chewing will also increase the surface area of the food in the mouth to help with experiencing flavors. Nibbling will help with extending the food tasting time on the same size portion of food, let the food set in your gut nicer, and help increase the time it takes to eat (see above). I could either eat three peppermint patties in 30 seconds and not be satisfied or nibble on one over two minutes and feel indulged. Last I knew, 1 < 3. Higher math scares people.
There you have it. Now all you have to do is to turn these into habits to not only save money but pounds! Why do I bother? It’s not like fat people listen.
