The Budget
Making a budget is easy but there seem to be doofuses (doofi for the ignorant pseudo intellectual) who were never taught how by their parents. Sure, they died in a horrible fiery car crash, but they still failed in their parental duty. Time to learn what all the other little Dicks and Janes were learning.
Write down what money you are bringing in. If you get it from pimping, write it down. If you get it from aunt Sue, write it down. If you get it from Nigerian royalty in need of your assistance, write it down. Add all your income together and turn it into a number about how much you make a month.
Write down where you have to spend money. Don’t record what amounts you want to spend, but only where it will have to go. It doesn’t have to be specific - you don’t have to use each hooker’s name. Start putting together a history of how much you’ve been spending for each expense. Add up expenses within the category and, let’s say, calculate it out monthly cost. If you’re lost on how to do that, dammit I just can’t help you. I’m only a man. A fine-looking, well-hung man.
Do the same for desired spending: write categories of where you have been spending (or know you want to spend) money and compile a history. These typically vary more often than the required spending. But an average should help you see and hopefully realize to where your money has been evaporating.
Now to wrap it up. Subtract your “must have” expenses from your incoming money. If this number is negative, congratulations, you have messed up priorities or need to get a third job. Assuming you do have some money left over, consider saving it. That’s no fun but grow the hell up! The final consideration is to address your “wanted” expenses. I know, I know. Who in Frank Lloyd Wright’s mind would have thought that you might not get every little toy you want? Knowing how much money you have to play with, you can figure out which toy you’re going to end up getting before tongue cancer.
So with a general idea of how your financial life is looking, you can play around with concepts like what if you spend less on rectal inserts in order to save more money for Timmy’s college fund or to vacation in Grundy Center. Ignorance may be bliss, but knowing where your money is going may just keep you from living under the bridge another month.
