The good news is that it works. The bad news is that it works quite well; I no longer feel the need to rant for a bit.  I’ve gotten to that point.   Naturally, the feeling will build back up - so until then, I am on hiatus.

Plus, how many times can you tell fat people to eat less to save money before needing a break?  Thanks, Captain Obvious!

An article on money.cnn.com goes over the idea of pimping out the homestead to boost the home value and the practice’s decline on returns.  As an aside, I hate the use of the term “returns” in the article.  The pessimist in me would rather call it a loss since that’s all they cite.  So much for investing in your house.

Personally, upgrades to the house should be done because you want the amenity, not to try to rake in a profit.  If you feel you need a clear urinal bearing the hologram of Wesley Snipes, go ahead and install one. Don’t expect it to add value to the home though.  The problem is that everyone prefers different styles, and therefore the house has different value to buyers.

That wraps it up for now. Excuse me, I need to go piss on Mr. Snipes now.

There are a ton of what ifs in life.  And people fret their health away worrying about them.  Sometimes it’s just too much and people go throw themselves off of Magic Mountain or try to medicate their worries away.  When people meet me, they ask how I can be so stoic, unemotional, or stress-free.  It’s not that I don’t have problems, but I have a view on life that keeps stress quite low.

It is simply this.

1)  If there is a problem and I can fix it, I don’t need to worry because I’m doing all that I’m able to do to resolve it. All I can expect of myself is to anticipate potential pitfalls and plan accordingly.  If something pops up, deal with it. It’s fine to stew on how to attack a problem but not to just worry about it.

2) If there is a problem and I can’t fix it, I don’t need to worry because nothing I do will resolve it.  It appears as apathy, but it is just good sense. If there evolves an actionable task, go back to point number one.

There, that’s it. Worrying solves nothing. Save your health for something that matters.

If you’re in the corporate world, you’ll find management/HR likes to use jargon and often obtuse tools.  One of these they use for goal setting is SMART goals.  Although SMART is supposed to stand for Simple, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant, and Time-bound, loggerheads implement them poorly.  They end up with DUMB goals - Deceptive, Unclear, Meaningless, and Biased.

But properly used SMART goals can be applied to your non-business life. There are plenty of free resources on the web covering what specifies SMART goals so we don’t need them regurgitated here.  However, the most difficult part in making your SMART goals is to keep it within your time frame.

Although businesses like to use annual SMART goals, it is actually more useful to do them monthly. The reason is that you should probably have the overarching goal in mind but writing out the smaller goals will help actually get them done.  If you only look at them once a year, you’ll end up saying, “Oh, I guess I should have been working towards that large goal instead of eating peanut butter off of the dog.”

So get your goals set and start working on them. Everything else can be plugged into a goal, say even making a budget.  Once you get focusized, you’re on your way to ruling the world via midget telepathy.

There are other, sillier taxes out there that people volunteer to pay. Well, some people can’t help themselves but most of us can.

Sin Tax - We’re all for sin and letting a person destroy their body, but we’re going to tax them on alcohol and tobacco because they’ll just suck it up. The reasoning behind a sin tax is to help pay for the problems the use of these products cause. Bullocks. If that were the case, there’d be an extra tax on buffets and fast food joints using styrofoam cups. And you can’t put extra taxes on condoms and birth control because that would conflict with the government’s goal of population control.

Bad At Math Tax - Anyone who gambles often isn’t too bright at math. Gambling is fine as an infrequent diversion. The goofy ass thing is that states run daily lotteries, tickets available at mart near you with results broadcast to your TV. And by the reports on how much money these organizations rake in, it is apparent that there are a lot of starry-eyed, bad-at-math losers out there.

Litterer Tax - Whether it is for aluminum cans or glass bottles, if you throw away anything with redemption, you’re paying for being a waster. But is it a tax? It sure is. For example, try buying a case of beer in California without paying the deposit. It’s against the law. You send the empties back and no loss other than your time.

Infertile Tax - Have more children, pay less in taxes. Sure, each kid costs more to take care of theoretically. But what this means is that the fatty down the street with eight kids pays less toward government services their kids utilize than you end up paying. Yup. That makes sense. Some counterargument about children being the future, but that only makes me melancholy thinking about the state of the future. Dumb ass punk neighbor kids.

Salvation Tax - Lucky for you that we have an immortal soul.  Unlucky for you is that you’ll need to give us money for putting that soul in a nice place instead of a bad place.  Don’t worry that the only thing this payment will give you are some good feelings.  The amount of this tax can vary from what you feel like (Protestant), a fixed amount (Catholic tithe 10%), or all your base belong to me (Scientology).

Conscience Tax - A completely voluntary payment you place upon yourself to feel better about being a wing nut with slightly good fortune. Yea, that guy begging on the street will sure put your $5 to good use. I’m being sarcastic, but at least you’ll feel better despite doing no real good.

Working in a donut, coffee, sandwich, etc shop is about a lot of work. Marshmallows like yourself aren’t willing to spend 14 hours a day doing all the crap work necessary to keep those businesses running. It takes work ethics and perhaps someone with the gumption to travel to an alien land to work hard for a better life.

r. lalala spits out - like i save my money from lunch every week and i have a job i make about 150-175 every 2 weeks but i keep spending it all my parents barley give me money so idk any adivce?

TSD - This is why we should require teenagers to have internet use permits. The problem is not that your parents aren’t giving you enough money. It wouldn’t matter how much money you were being given. The problem is “but i keep spending it all”. How much weed are you going through? Is it really that expensive today? Or how many shoes and GAP shirts do you need? Spending approximately $80 a week while living with your parents. That’s crazy. But then again, I’m not a teenage girl trying to keep up appearances with the other high school idiots. You’re doomed.

These are wild animals. They don’t give a flying fart if you’re anthropomorphizing them. As long as you’re paying for the food on their table, they’ll run around and poop on your property.  If I’m going to feed animals, I expect actual companionship, a working animal, or food. Guess which of these you get from feeding birds and squirrels? That’s right. None. You get to pretend they hang around your house because they like you. That or you pretend you’re Snow White singing and dancing with the birds.

Again, that’s just fine to go and blow your wad on stupid hobbies if you have the money.  It’s even better if your neighbor does it because you can use those peeping binoculars to “steal” their flock viewing. But I can’t justify feeding painted flying rats when I fret over which store sells a loaf of bread 10¢ cheaper than the others.

But here’s the rub. It doesn’t matter if I put out one bag or three. I live in a monthly garbage fee community. There’s practically zero incentive to utilize the recycling bin they supply. I’ve also lived in pay per bag communities and at least in that plan there is a direct financial impact to being a slob.

We’re always looking for ways to save money. Some old, dead, coon skin cap-wearing codger once said a penny saved is a penny earned. If you haven’t already guessed, let’s talk about saving a few bucks in the area of trash.

Burn, Baby

If you live in the country, you can get away with burning everything. And what doesn’t burn, gets buried somewhere on the farm. That’s fine but just doesn’t work for the rest of us yokels. Usually burning is not permitted because, let’s face it, if everyone did that, the entire city would be covered with carbon.

Urbane Urban Trash Tips
If you’re living in a pay-per-bag collection area, then every little reduction will help. But if you live in the area using monthly fees, the only real way to reduce your garbage cost is to have the smallest container they offer. For either, you don’t have to pay for as many plastic bags to hold all the crud. So how does one go about decreasing waste output?

First, if you do have curbside recycling or a recycling center, use it. Don’t be a moron and complain that you don’t want to rinse out containers. It’s like brushing your teeth (assuming you do that). It’s something that only bothers you with bleeding gums if it is not a habit.

Second, try composting. By composing your food waste, the all critical old garbage aroma sticking around your trash can will not be present. This is a little trickier to do than separating recyclables, but again it’s about trying it and figuring it out. And the resulting fertilizer is good if you do any gardening or landscaping - a positive out of a negative.
Another way to reduce your garbage is to eat everything. Frozen pizza? Grind the cardboard box and sprinkle on the pizza after it’s cooked. Mmm, fiber! Burnt out lightbulb? Eat it!

Also, take a look at what you’re bringing in. Just like you finances, the amount you take in determines whats going out. For example, does buying forty 8-oz plain yogurts for home make sense when you can buy the family size containers?

The last method for reducing your garbage is to get rid of it in other people’s trash. Technically it’s theft of services so dump at your own risk. But really they shouldn’t make those MacDonald’s trash receptacles so darn convenient.

I start by slinking down to the closest thrift store.  In this case, it’s a Salvation Army.  It was cold outside with the wind a blowin’ so even it looked like a good place to duck into.

Once inside and after giving everyone dirty looks, I headed over to the all famous thrift store quality clothes section.  Being a man, I stick to the men’s clothes.  There are quite a few passable shirts, polos, and sweaters.  And the price can’t be beat today.  All clothes were on sale for 75 cents except sweaters at $1.  How can you beat that?  And if you’re feeling super gay, there are some pastel flannels available.

Downstairs we have everything non-clothing.  We have state-of-the-art electronics:

Highly sought after collectibles and knicknacks:

Medical supplies like a bucket of crutches:

Literature about diet crazes, self help finance, and political pundits ($1.99 each):

Why, one doesn’t need Walmart or the mall to spend money.  And imagine how much more you can afford! If you don’t want to be seen in such places to get these great deals, you really can’t complain about lack of money. I’ll stick with having the self confidence to shop where I want while saving money to boot. Plus it’s not often I’m the handsomest guy in the place.

We all know that relationships are expensive and often make light of it.  I tried looking for information on what a so-called average date and/or relationship costs but failed. The closest thing was a citation for £200 being the average UK cost of a date.  That seems absurdly high.  One could buy at least 4 STDs for that price.

Unless you’re going out on a hike in the park, good luck getting away with spending less than $50.  That’s just a number coming from the depths of Uranus, but it sounds good. Whether it be the cost of two movie tickets and snacks, renting skis and lift tickets, or dinner at Arby’s and a pint at the pub, dates don’t come cheap.  If you factor in an average of only one date a week, you’re still spending a good chunk of change just to try to beat your loneliness.

Consider what you would get if you put an extra $50 a week into investments. $2600 a year isn’t a fortune, but it’ll buy you a decent gizmo.  And that gizmo probably won’t yell at you, sleep with your friends, or stalk you after you tell her it was just a one-night stand. Or maybe just take those investments and directly buy yourself a bride.  That’s what’s it all about, right?